Shruikan Saves the Day
by Lord22
Summary: Being an account of the rise of King Galbatorix the just, and how he vanquished the vile Varden and their insidious allies with very little difficulty. Also we have Galbatorix themed dishwasher detergent, BUY IT TODAY!


**Chapter One:**

Once upon a time in the mystical lands of Alagasaie, there lived a group of Dragon Riders who rode to and forth, forcing people to worship Elves and bend to their will. The Dragon Riders were a bunch of jerks who had no problem mind raping old men and forcing them to never see their daughters again. They strangled innocent soldiers who were just doing their jobs for no reason, even though they weren't doing anything. Oh, and they were also pawns of the Elves, a race of sexually depraved tree huggers who would make the Night Elves of Azeroth look sane and balanced by comparison. They didn't even have the decency to wipe out the Urgals who were constantly killing innocent people.

So yeah, things pretty much sucked in Alagaysuwah.

Then one day, a young Dragon Rider named Galbatorix went into Urgal territory and decided to wipe out that warlike and brutal Urgals, and brought along some friends. It didn't quite go as planned. And by 'not quite as planned' I mean that pretty much everyone except Galbatorix got killed. This drove Galbatorix mad with grief, so he went on to create a new brand of Dishwasher soap named after him. It washed dishes like nothing else and was really affordable too. Also, the name was really catchy. _Galbatorix brand dishwasher soap! Buy it today!_

Where was I?

Oh yes, Galbatorix went to the riders and requested that they give him a chance to get a new Dragon. Naturally, since the Riders were a bunch of jerks, they refused this perfectly reasonable and harmless request. After all, if he wasn't worthy to have a Dragon then naturally a Dragon wouldn't hatch for him, so there was literally no way Galbatorix's request could go bad. Until, of course, the Riders found a way by flatly rejecting him, causing him to go mad with grief.

In his madness, which in no way acts as an automatic justification for irrational decisions, by the way, he saw a vision of Jesus.

'Dude,' said Jesus 'why are you working for this group of sociopathic totalitarian despots? The Jedi Order they are not.'

'…Good point.' said Galbatorix.

And just like that Galbatorix decided to overthrow the Dragon Riders. And then he overthrew the Dragon Riders. It… really wasn't very interesting, they were completely incompetent as well as evil. Look it's not worth talking about. Oh and then there were these Thirteen Foresworn Dragon Rider/Nazgul people who… killed themselves or something. Honestly, I didn't quite get it.

Anyway, so Galbatorix made himself King of the Empire rather than, y'know, _Emperor_. And the first thing he did was let the people of Surda secede peacefully from the Empire, since he didn't like the idea of a meaningless war. And everything was good.

Until, at least, the Varden appeared.

They were less powerful than the Dragon Riders but twice as sociopathic, and they wielded a terrible power known as plot armor. With it, they intended to plunge Alawawa into a new dark age. They invited themselves into nations and then ruined their hosts economy. When Varden soldiers stole and pillaged nearby farmsteads, they were promoted rather than punished.

The stage was set for a new battle.  
Then Durza, chief lieutenant of Galbatorix met the King alone and spoke. 'I have a really good plan. I'm going to take control of the Urgals, and lead them across the country to launch an all-out assault on the Varden. We will kill two birds with one stone.'

'Gracious no!' said Galbatorix 'They might get sidetracked and burn down some innocent villages along the way. No, I think it would be much simpler for all involved if I just summoned my Giant Black Dragon BFF, Shruikan to kill everything.'

'…Oh,' said Durzlet'sell lets do that.'

Thus they summoned Shruiken to kill everyone! Shruiken killed the Dwarves! And the populace rejoiced because they would no longer have to deal with irrelevant sub plots! Shruikan killed the Varden! And the people rejoiced because they would no longer have their lands pillaged and looted by a group of mentally impaired thugs led by a wannabe Disney Princess. Then Galbatorix sent Shruikan to kill all the Elves! And there was much rejoicing, as people would no longer have to listen to smug atheist vegan tree hugging hippie sociopaths.

However Galbatorix did not send Shruikan to kill Surda. He perceived that despite their foolish support for the Varden, that there leader was something approaching a rational, and intelligent human being. Consequently he let King Orrin off with a stern warning.

And there was much rejoicing.

After that Galbatorix brought about a reign of peace and happiness. And since he was both immortal and benevolent, said reign lasted many thousands of years that saw humankind advance to become a great space fairing race that travelled beyond the furthest stars.

Then someone came up with the idea for Space Marines and it all went to hell.

* * *

There was a long silence as Brom finished his story, and he paused for breath. For a long time Eragon looked at him with a raised eyebrow. He had the distinct impression that he had just missed out on a bloody, poorly written, and incredibly tedious adventure and he wasn't sure whether to feel relieved, or disappointed. Then something came to mind. 'How did you know about the parts you weren't there for?'  
Brom blinked. 'Well… you see… uh…' he stopped, searching for something to say. 'Garrow never told you what happened to your father.'

'He told me…' Eragon paused. 'absolutely nothing, actually.'

'I am the your Father!' proclaimed Brom.

'…You've been living here for as long as I can remember and you couldn't be bothered to explain this why?' asked Eragon after a moment.

'I'm kind of an irresponsible dick.' admitted Brom ruefully.

And then they were eaten by a rabbit.

* * *

 **Authors Note:**

So yeah, this is just something that I wrote up really quick on the fly. Let me just say that if you like the Eragon series, I don't begrudge you your opinion. I myself enjoyed the first book when I was young, and even when I reread it later., However as the series continued it became increasingly apparent that Paolini was so obsessed with making Eragon the hero that he was perfectly willing to ruin everything else about the story to do it. Murtagh is turned into a villain, not out of any need the story has for him as a villain, but rather because he was much more popular than Eragon.

After the first book everything goes downhill. There should have been a timeskip between books of at least two years. And given the events of Eldest, it should have taken a few in universe years to complete the second book. If Paolini had done that then Eragon's progression would have seemed more natural. There was a real opportunity to make Eragon grow up by forcing him to put years of his life into achieving things. Also, the whole training with the Elves thing should have happened offscreen. Eragon should have disappeared from the novel after he gets to the Elves Kingdom, and the rest until he arrives in Surda should have focused totally on Roran, with perhaps a scene or two dedicated to Nasuada.

And another thing, the Ra'zak are killed off far too early. The third book should have been about hunting the creatures down. That is a storyline which actually has emotional weight for main protagonists, and the Ra'zak storyline represents the only relevant event that I can remember from what I read of the third book. Apparently some events happen towards the end, but I found reading it far too painful. I took it out of the library twice, and only got halfway through.

Anyway hopefully I've demonstrated that I tried to like this series past the first book, and after a long and fruitless effort failed. I hope you've enjoyed this little what if scenario.


End file.
